As
the date of moving to Korea suddenly creeps up on me, people have started
asking me if I’m excited or scared. Generally, I just pause for a second before
responding with, “I have a lot of feelings.” It’s the best response I have
right now, the easiest way to put it all into words without somehow
simultaneously bursting into tears and psychotic laughter.
I’m not really good about a lot of
emotions. They make me downright uncomfortable and there are a slim few in my
life whom I choose to share lots of my feelings with in that nitty-gritty, gory
type detail. These tend to be people
that have infiltrated my life in such a way that they seem to be fastened in
now and well, they’ve got all of me and that’s that.
When my friend Leah moved to Montana a while back I couldn’t
participate in the group hugging and crying at her going away party. It was
stupid and awful and I wanted nothing to do with it. I remember standing in the
corner, sipping a beer and looking at everyone being vulnerable and normal and
human and going, “This is dumb. I hate this.” Instead, my true emotions about
how I felt about my friend leaving Boston came out the next day when a few of
us were in her car going to get frozen yogurt. I burst into tears in the middle
of rapping a manic rendition of Juvenile’s “Back that Ass Up”. Maybe I’ll work
this sort of stuff out in therapy but probably not. I blame being an only
child, that works for a lot of other faults I have. So now that I have two
weeks left before I leave and it still hasn’t exactly hit me yet that I’m
going, I think it’s safe to assume I’m going to have my meltdown at some
inopportune time. Maybe it will be at the airport when my parents are dropping
me off, maybe it will be when I’m having my last taste of real pizza and beer.
Who knows?
This same girl would not have
done this a few years ago, but here I go and I suppose documenting my weirdness
in a new environment will have to do as some sort of security blanket.
